I was just outside smoking a cigarette as I do several times every single day.. and as my eyes moved from the smoke exiting my mouth to the cigarette in my hand for the first time since I picked up my first cigarette years ago it really hit; “What the fuck are you doing?” I step outside several times a day to puff on burning poison only to come in and rinse out my mouth and eat a mint to rid myself of the unpleasant flavor left in my mouth.
14.00 a week to suck on a stick of potential cancer, and leave my mouth with the taste of smoke and filth.. For what?… It doesn’t get me high. No, it doesn’t really relieve any anxiety besides the anxieties the nicotine it’s self has created. When it helps me to relax it’s only helping me to relax from the issues not having one in hand has caused. No, the cigarette has never done anything to help me.
what the fuck does this cigarette do for me? Not a God Damn thing. The cigarette owns me. It’s not for my pleasure, no. The disgusting white burning stick of death isn’t being purchased because I want it… It’s because the fucking cigarette has made me feel like I need it.
If I am feeling ill stroke my hair and kiss my fucking forehead. If I have the chills wrap your g’damn arms around me and cuddle me close. When I am emotional and anxious hug me.. It’s not as complicated as it may seem show me affection when it’s obvious that it is what I am craving. I hope you know that I always try to do that for you ffs. 😕
I know you still think about him, and I know you still worry. I promise you that if you truly care for him you’ll know that I will make sure that he has the best life he possibly can. I promise that I will continue to make him smile, I promise that I will always make sure he’s warm enough at night. I promise to voice my concerns to him and look out for him whenever I can. I promise to keep him safe to the best of my ability and take care of him when he is sick. I promise that I will try and deliver him a gift of happiness each and everyday for as long as he will allow me.
I can’t promise that I won’t piss him off, or upset him from time to time.. I can’t promise that I won’t make mistakes, and get on his nerves but I can promise that I will never intentionally hurt or upset him… And on those shitty days when I do upset him I can promise and do promise to do everything in my power to make it up to him in everything I do.. Before I even fell in love I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life building happiness with him.. I knew that every single day from then on out my main goal would be to bring him the joy he doesn’t realize he deserves..
I promise that for as long as he allows me I will be there and I will do my best to make him feel his best..
His happiness is my happiness.. And I will forever do all that I can to keep that gorgeous smile on his face.
Please know that I promise to always take care of him, and treat him like the wonderful ( yet bitchy ) and amazing person that he is..
I still write letters to them quite often. I think one day I will grow the balls to take these letters to their grave sites.. Maybe someone will go to visit and read them and just maybe they’ll feel like they’re not the only one who doesn’t want to let go.
that homosexual men claim bisexual during the early years of coming out as if it somehow makes them a better person for being “just” bisexual. I feel in this day and age you should be able to come out as who you are and be happy with what you really are and let everyone get to know that honest part of you. Instead of spending blahblahblah amount of years lying, only to have to later come out again as a full blown queer
I realize that this is not really the persons fault, seeing as parts of society has made coming out scary- but if you’ve shown yourself brave enough to say yes “I like guys” why can’t you say “Not only do I like guys, but when I picture myself in a relationship be it sexual, physical, or emotional it is always or at least very much more often with another man, and not with women.”
Be you bi ,straight or gay, you’re still a person and a person that people are going to like or not like.. Chances are if your friends are okay with the fact that you’re bi, they’re not going to care that you’re a full blown pole smoker.
It seems that the problem isn’t about your friends and family though at this point it’s about accepting yourself. Seriously though, I think when you’re honest with yourself you’re probably going to be more accepting of the person you are.
(take note I am not saying that bisexuals do not exist. In fact those of you who have been following me for quite sometime know that I do not list myself at 100% on the Kinsey scale. Though I do claim homosexual)